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How to Heal Shame Causing Binge-Restrict Cycle with IFS Parts
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Feb 20, 2023
Introduction to shame and binge eating. - How shame develops - Understanding shame and bingeing eating through "parts" perspective - Understand Manager vs Firefighter - Learn about Exiles and shame This video is meant to prepare your for an upcoming workshop, where we will explore through practical exercises how to work with shame and binge eating from a "parts" perspective. The workshop will be available in our free, private and safe community which you can apply to join here - https://eatingenlightenment.com/community
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Hey, Jared here. There's going to be an upcoming workshop on how to release shame, which fuels the
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binge eating cycle. And this workshop, in this video, it's meant to be a precursor to the workshop
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In the workshop, we're just going to dive in, but it's really approaching binge eating and shame from
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a really different perspective. So this video is going to be covering why shame relates to emotional
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eating, how it fits in, and then this new perspective about how to heal shame using a
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parts perspective. So I'm going to give you an overview of shame and how it kind of forms
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and then I'm going to introduce these parts. And this parts language is so different from
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whatever you've heard before. So welcome to Eating Enlightenment. I'm excited to have you
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here for this video, we will be covering a lot of great stuff. So let's just dive right in. Shame
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Who has been told these messages, whether directly or implicitly? Here's an example of a direct
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shaming message. If you keep eating pretzels like that, you're going to be as big as a house one day
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from a teacher. That's an explicit shaming message, but oftentimes we get implicit shaming messages
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and we'll be talking about those more in depth through this presentation
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You should stop eating. Being slim is the best body type. No one likes fat girls. And oftentimes
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we get this from family members. And when we get it from family members, it's really common
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We oftentimes don't know that they're shaming us. We don't quite know that this is actually shame
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especially when you're a young kid. A young kid is oftentimes given these messages from our parents
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you're a naughty boy, spoiled child, bad little girl, grow up, don't act like a baby, be tough
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just do it. They're all saying your emotions are bad and, you know, behave. And shaming statements
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they actually really do work with kids because kids want to feel loved. And so a, you know
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in this example, nice girls don't get angry. Usually a little girl, she will suppress her
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anger because the shame is worse, but it really does hurt her inside. And this little, whether
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it's a little girl, little boy, teenager, middle schooler, young children, they internalize these
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statements. They're primarily learned through interactions with adults at a young age, but also
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our culture is filled with shaming messages. Now, we'll be talking about those shaming messages in
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a little bit. Next slide, I believe. But shame, just real quick, is the belief that there's
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something wrong with me. You have no right to be here. You're broken. You're not okay. You're
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unlovable. There's something fundamentally wrong with you. And when a kid is given that shaming message, even an implicit shaming message, kid internalizes that. There's a reason when parents
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get divorced, all kids internalize the divorce as their fault. Because when kids feel bad
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they internalize it as something wrong with them and and you can have some shame but oftentimes
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shame is not balanced out with compassion so our culture is very shaming and kids we get this
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message and this is not to like bash on your parents okay this is not to bash on you it's not
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to bash on your parents um these messages are out there it's tough to raise a kid in a it's tough to
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raise a kid, your parents are doing the best they can. You can still be grateful for your parents
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for your history, for your culture, while acknowledging that they did accidentally or
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even intentionally shame you. So let's let go of any parent bashing. We're not trying to insult
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anyone. We're not trying to, we're just trying to look at shame directly and understand it. Again, that message that I said in the culture, you know, a lot of women, a lot of guys
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They're editing their photos. They're told that their bodies, that the way they are is not enough
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They are not enough. They're bad. They're insufficient. And this is everywhere. So it's
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impossible to avoid. So we really need tools on how to handle shame. And I think normally the tools
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we're given are like meditation and those fall short for a little bit, but we'll get into that
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later because first there's good news about shame, even though it's everywhere, it's not in your DNA
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It can be released. And as you release shame, there's less inner conflict
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less self-sabotage, more peace of mind. And yes, when you reduce shame
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it reduces the binging and overeating and you can be a normal eater So you can rewire your brain Neuroplasticity is the
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ability for your brain to physically rewire itself by changing your mindset through practices such
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as meditation, gratitude, acting selflessly, journaling, I might add, you cause your brain
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to change physically and make more neural connections. But I have a big problem with
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meditation. I'll get into that. The normal ways of meditating, mindfulness, there's like a fakeness
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to it, a fakeness to it. And we're going to be covering by the end of this presentation and a
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few more slides, we're going to be covering kind of a real true version of mindfulness, but it'll
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require a different way of seeing shame and all these different things. But first, I just want
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to acknowledge that like journaling and it is possible to change your brain. We can do it. I
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think we need some new tools on how to do it the right way, on how to do it a different way
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especially if we're stuck with food still. Okay, so what if you're missing a part
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What if the way you've seen and tried to manage overeating and stuff, what if you've been missing
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a part? And so the beautiful thing about this is that internal family systems recognizes the brain
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is a system with many parts. We'll be covering these parts in much more depth later on. We're
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going to be starting with the managers. So we'll be covering managers, firefighters, and exiles
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and how these map onto shame and binge eating is that the shame starts right here. And this is a
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manager, a critic, or a pessimist, right? Criticizing you, blaming you, shaming you
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So if we think about a manager, a manager is trying to be proactive
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I know these terms are new to you. They're trying to help you manage your life
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They're helping you manage shame. Eventually, the manager doesn't work, and the binge part, the firefighter, needs to rescue you
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We'll be covering these in depth in this presentation so that when the workshop comes up, we can just dive in and actually show you how to release these parts
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Release them from the roles. Keep them there, but also how to free the shame
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So let's just keep on going, keep on moving through. I promise by the end of this presentation, you will get a much better understanding of
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these managers, these firefighters, and these exiles. But I just wanted to show you that right now, the managers try to keep you safe through
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calorie counting and all these other things. And then the binge part comes when the shame is activated
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We'll be covering this in depth. Just a little bit about me, that fake mindfulness
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So I got into meditation and mindfulness because for about six years between freshman year in high school, maybe even eight, probably for a long time, was caught in this cycle
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And so I tried to meditate my way out of it. I joined a monastery for 13 months, tried to meditate, tried to make all these feelings go away
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Didn't work, right? I was really desperate at this point. I grew up in a background where emotions were non-existent. If I cried, parents would basically
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leave. They wouldn't say anything mean, but there was neglect there. There's emotional neglect
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And so when I started wrestling, I had all these insecurities, really wanted to belong
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really just wanted to fit in, really wanted validation, really just wanted love, desperate for it. So I got really into this whole body image, weight cutting, exercising
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eating right, cutting, you know, not eating above calories, managing weight, drove me insane. Um
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and it caused a bunch of other problems because my manager part was trying to
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manage and trying to get me to be socially accepted. Those are manager roles, the exercising, the, the perfectionism
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They're trying to get you to be accepted. They're trying to, um
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avoid rejection. They're trying to, um, avoid rejection. They're trying to get you to belong. But they suppress the firefighter. They suppress these
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other parts. And then these other parts, most diet programs and all these other therapy programs
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they try to remove this part. They try to remove the binge part. They try to remove the firefighter
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remove the shame. And this whole approach is about rebalancing the system, learning how to integrate
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so that we can have a whole piece. So most people miss parts. So most people miss parts
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they're always fighting yourself, they're confused, and it's really important that we
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understand the managers and the firefighters. So again, those managers are trying to protect you
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the striving the productivity the success etc or the criticism or the underachieving There are some different examples of managers we cover coming up firefighters will cover these more but they activate when the managers can no longer
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protect you here are some examples the managers try to plan and caretaking they even criticize
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you to motivate you but they can't protect you from shame all the time and so when they can't
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protect you from shame the firefighters come out we'll be covering these in the next few slides
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So coming for some examples of those managers, people pleasing. Managers are concerned about
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rejection. So they want to please these new people so that new people won't criticize you
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If you are criticized, it may trigger the part that holds the shame. Overachievers, they feel compelled to succeed. The manager part that makes you want to succeed
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to be productive, et cetera. Otherwise, failure will set off the shame. Underachievers
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It's the opposite of an overachiever, but the manager's still there. The pessimism, the anxiety
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the doubt, it's all trying to avoid a situation where it'll be proof that if you fail, you're bad
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right? So again, trying to avoid shame. Avoidant, very similar to underachievers, but where you
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avoid situations where you could be exposed, right? This fear that if people only knew you
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they wouldn't love you. So these are examples of managers, how they try to keep you away from shame
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But, you know, managers, they shame you into being, they try to shame you. Managers internalize
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shame from our caregivers. So the only way managers really know to manage it was through shame
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because managers, when you were young, you were crying, you were overwhelmed, you were afraid
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remember those messages that the adults gave? Adults give young children shame messages. You're
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bad. You're unworthy. It's your fault. These beliefs get internalized by the little kid
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And the managers hear the way parents and culture are treating the overwhelm, the emotionality
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And so the managers start repeating the same phrases that your parents and culture told you
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It's your fault. You're bad. Be better. You're weak. And so unfortunately, you know, it's true, this beautiful quote, it isn't what happens
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to us that causes us to suffer. It's what we say to ourselves about what happens, right
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so when something bad happens these managers activate and they say bad things to us because
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that's what they learn and because of this managers they can never protect you 100 percent
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there are things outside of the manager's control don't get a job promotion split up with partner
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even a co-worker or a friend gives you food and you've already eaten enough i remember this
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binging one time because i um a friend i couldn't say no to a friend they brought over food so i
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had food and then just got triggered because it wasn't perfect. And then once I was triggered
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then the firefighter came out and tried to relieve all the shame by even binging even more, right
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So the parts holding the shame, these inner children that are wounded
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they will cry out for attention with these unformed beliefs. I'm not enough. I'm not enough
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The managers want to suppress those beliefs. And so when a situation comes where there's shame, triggers are like a trapdoor to the brain. The emotion just gets totally distorted. A person's sense of time and space gets all out of whack. And all of a sudden, you're triggered. The managers aren't there. They can't protect you. And the firefighters are here to rescue you from shame, binging, cutting, yelling
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the firefighter's goal is to extinguish all feeling to make it go away the managers have
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been trying to manage your life so that you avoid shame situations that avoid distressful emotions
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now that stressful this emotion is here and the managers are failing the shame is being activated
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the kid is thinking i'm not enough i'm not enough i'm not enough firefighters come to the rescue
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shut it down and so managers and firefighters this is the core of how we begin to heal shame
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managers and firefighters oftentimes fight each other we identify more with the managers because
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they're more socially acceptable perfectionism is more socially acceptable than binge eating
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and so we really identify with these we meditate this is the false meditation that many people
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myself included get into we try self-care we try all these techniques but we're still
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trapped in a, we aren't seeing the parts, right? We believe we the manager We believe we the manager So we trying to like meditate the bad feelings away We trying to block out the bad feelings We trying to make them go away We scared of this part
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And so we can't really, this part is the shadow in union terms
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We can't really see this binge part. We can't understand it. It's something to be afraid, feared
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It needs to be managed, controlled. And we are not saying that you need to drop all these food rules
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we're here to teach you a way where you can integrate this in a safe manner that really is
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safe to you and that's the whole point of the workshop so because there's a dynamic between
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these dualistic dynamic they fight each other the managers say don't you ever stop and think
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you're totally out of control you should be ashamed of yourself you're hopeless so the managers are
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shaming the firefighters, right? And the firefighters, they don't like that because
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in the firefighter's perspective, the manager wasn't doing its job. The little kid who was
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crying out for help, I'm bad, I'm bad, I'm bad. The firefighter said, you're not
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you're not, that kid is dangerous, actually. It's dangerous. We got to extinguish it
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So the managers, the firefighters say to the manager, screw off. I just felt like it. I
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deserve this. Try and make me. I don't give a shit. Watch out. Like, have you ever heard
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these voices in your head before, now we're starting to develop language for these different
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voices. The firefighters that are rebellious and that don't care, they are in conflict with the
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managers who try to shame the firefighters. You don't care. You're totally out of control. We can
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start to understand this conflict in a new way. And this insight gives us what it really does mean
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to be truly mindful, to be truly aware, to be truly conscious, be truly spiritual. And
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that's when the exiles, when we start releasing, when we start healing the exiles. In a nutshell
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again, these young parts, they were formed at a young age and they got shameful messages
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They were suppressed because it was dangerous for you to feel emotions, right? If you're feeling
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sad and overwhelmed, an adult tells you, don't be angry, that's bad, or don't be weak. That's very
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scary for an adult to scold you or to give you an implicit, let alone an explicit message, right
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of shame. Very threatening. So the child learns to suppress their shame. Shame is still there
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The shame part is desperate to be heard and seen and felt and understood. And so our job to heal, this is the whole point of the workshop, is to learn about these parts
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and this is a beautiful quote right here even the worst impulses and feelings the urge to drink the
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compulsion to cut oneself the paranoid suspicions the murderous fantasies they all spring from parts
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of a person that has a story to tell and the capacity to be something positive and helpful
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to a client's life the point of therapy isn't to get rid of anything but to help it transform
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beautifully said our goal is to learn about the managers there's a way we'll cover on the
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workshop where we can get to know them, get to know their story, help them release in a safe way
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We check in with them. We got to work with their permission. They are like people. It is a weird
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thing to think of these parts as people. Normally you don't think about this this way, but we can
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learn to talk to the managers and listen to their responses. Same with the firefighters. Help these
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parts be able to trust each other instead of fighting. And as a team, as a united whole
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we can be present and witness and be with the inner child's pain and this is the core of healing
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when we can sit with the distress of this little kid who thinks he or she is not enough who thinks
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if I am seen they won't love me and our job is to just be with this little kid who believes it
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to see them to love them and just to be with it not to force this process this doesn't
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this takes a little bit of time um but and then as the shame is released and seen
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then the managers and protectors don't need to try so hard to protect you from shame because
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it's been released so that's our workshop um we've covered why shame relates to emotional
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eating and how to begin healing shame from this parts perspective which is a bit different
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and we're going to be doing a live demonstration on this in the community. It's that's at HTTPS
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eatingenlightenment.com forward slash community. The link's down there. Um, so really encourage
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you to join the community. That's eatingenlightenment.com forward slash community. And, um
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that'll be it. Thank y'all
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