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Why Your Relationship Feels “Too Much” or “Not Enough” — Explained by Science
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May 22, 2025
Have you ever wondered why one moment your love feels like a whirlwind riot of emotion—and the next it feels flat and lifeless? In this video, we unpack the neuroscience and attachment dynamics that send your heart on an emotional seesaw—and show you exactly how to land in that “just right” zone. 💡 In this video, you’ll discover: – The hidden brain circuits that treat both drama and dullness like danger – How your attachment style pushes you toward extremes of clinginess or withdrawal – The dopamine–oxytocin–cortisol cocktail driving your emotional roller-coaster – 10 signs you’re stuck in an emotional extreme – 3 science-backed strategies to balance safety with sparks – A real couple’s journey from chaos to calm – Your 7-step blueprint to tune your relationship to perfection ✨ Ready to find your Goldilocks Zone in love? Comment “Goldilocks” below and share your experience. 👍 Like this video if it helped you see your relationship in a new light. 🔔 Subscribe for the real psychology of love, healing, and lasting connection. 🔗 Share with someone who needs to step off the emotional seesaw and into steady joy. Looking for more? Visit https://happilylover.com for wishes, messages, greetings, texts, and quotes to build and maintain healthy relationships with your partner, family members, friends, and others. #psychologyoflove #relationshipadvice #attachmentstyles #datingtips #emotionalhealth #love #relationship #relationshipfacts
View Video Transcript
0:00
have you ever fallen in love so hard
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that it felt like you were drowning and
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then wondered why you still felt
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[Music]
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empty or maybe you've been in a calm
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steady relationship that felt boring
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like something was
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missing If your heart swings between too
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much and not enough you're not alone And
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it's not just bad
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luck Today we're solving a puzzle
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millions face why your relationship
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sometimes feels overwhelming and other
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times feels
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[Music]
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underwhelming By the end of this video
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you'll
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discover The hidden brain wiring that
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makes intensity feel safe or
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scary how attachment styles tip you
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toward
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extremes Neurochemical cycles behind the
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rush and the lul
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10 signs your relationship is skewed one
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way or the
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other Three proven strategies to find
1:04
your just right
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balance Real couple's journey from
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roller coaster romance to steady
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glue Your sevenstep blueprint to
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calibrate connection for lasting
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love Stick around because once you know
1:19
the science you can finally tune your
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relationship to feel perfectly balanced
1:27
Meet
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Jenna When she first met Marcus
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everything was electric Midnight phone
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calls surprise date invitations grand
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declarations of
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[Music]
1:42
affection Jenna felt alive in ways she
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never had
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before But after 6 months the highs came
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with a price Every argument felt like
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the end of the world Every pause in
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communication triggered
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panic Jenna began wondering if love was
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supposed to feel this
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intense Then after they moved in
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together the spark
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dimmed Evenings turned into quiet TV
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marathons and Jenna missed the
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rush She felt guilty for wanting
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excitement and ashamed for panicking
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when things got too heated
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Do you see yourself in Jenna's
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story chasing the rush then craving calm
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but never finding the sweet
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spot Let's dive into the science behind
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this emotional
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seessaw One the brain safety
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[Music]
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valve Your brain is always hunting for
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safety
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In evolutionary terms chaos meant danger
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Stability meant survival The amygdala
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watches for threats Emotional upheaval
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lights it up like a Christmas
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tree The prefrontal cortex manages
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reasoning but under stress it steps
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aside leaving you on
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autopilot When your relationship surges
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into intense argument or
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drama cortisol floods your brain
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triggering fight or flight
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You either cling tighter seeking comfort
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or push away to protect
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yourself Conversely during calm
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stretches oxytocin and serotonin rise
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creating warmth and bonding But without
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novelty dopamine dips and your brain
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warns something's
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missing That's the commitment paradox in
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action Your brain equates chaos with
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care because drama once meant you
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mattered and equates calm with boredom
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because nothing new
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happened Next time you feel panic or
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boredom in your relationship notice
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which chemical circuit is driving you
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your survival alarm or your novelty
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craving Two attachment styles The roots
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of
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extremes Attachment theory gives us the
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blueprint Let's revisit the four
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styles Secure safe with closeness and
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independence Balanced relationships flow
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[Music]
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easily Anxious fear of abandonment leads
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to too much intensity Constant
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reassurance
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seeking Avoidant Fear of engulfment
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leads to too little Emotional withdrawal
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coldness disorganized confusion between
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craving closeness and fearing it Chaotic
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highs and
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lows Most of us carry a mix but often
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one style dominates under
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stress Jenna had an anxious streak Drama
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felt like proof of
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love No drama felt like abandonment
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Marcus leaned avoidant He felt trapped
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by Jenna's intensity and retreated into
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silence When these styles pair the
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seessaw intensifies Anxiety triggers
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withdrawal Withdrawal triggers
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anxiety You end up with too much then
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not enough in an endless
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loop Here is your quick exercise
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[Music]
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Think about your last fight Did you push
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or
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pull noticing your default helps you
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shift
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it Three the neurochemical
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ride Let's map the
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[Music]
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chemicals Dopamine released by novelty
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and surprise The thrill of secret kisses
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or dramatic makeups
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Oxytocin bonding hormone rises during
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calm loving gestures eye gazing shared
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laughter Cortisol stress hormone spikes
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during conflict or silence driving panic
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or
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fight Adrenaline heightens the drama
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makes arguments feel like life and
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death In too much
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relationships your brain chases dopamine
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and adrenaline
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Cortisol spikes drive panic but dopamine
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relief rewards the
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chase In not enough
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relationships oxytocin driven calm gives
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warmth but your brain craves dopamine
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novelty Low cortisol feels safe but low
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adrenaline feels
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flat Here's the kicker
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Your brain doesn't distinguish healthy
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intimacy from chemical
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rushes It just notices highs and lows
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and chases them both if you let
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it Four finding your Goldilock
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zones So what does a balanced
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relationship look like
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steady oxytocin warm check-ins gentle
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touch shared rituals periodic dopamine
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boosts new experiences together many
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adventures surprise notes playful
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flirtation low cortisol healthy conflict
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resolution without
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panic moderate adrenaline occasional
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excitement not constant
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drama Think of it as a Goldilock zone
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Not too hot not too cold just
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right In this zone you feel safe and
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alive You trust you'll be seen and also
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feel sparks when you least expect
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them Pattern interrupt Next time you
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feel too much or too little ask "Am I
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missing oxytocin rituals or dopamine
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sparks?" That awareness puts you back in
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control
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Five 10 signs your relationship is
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extreme Let's break it into two
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lists Five signs you have too
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much Obsessive worry You replay every
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text call or glance in your
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head Rapid conflict cycle Small issues
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escalate into big
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fights Emotional exhaustion You feel
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drained instead of
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uplifted Need for constant reassurance
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You require proof of love
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daily Spike and crash Moments of
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euphoria are followed by deep
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lows And five signs you have not
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[Music]
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enough Emotional distance You hesitate
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to share feelings even trivial
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ones Boredom with routine Simple date
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nights feel uninspiring
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Avoidance of hard talks You dodge
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conversations about needs or
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plans Under celebration you rarely
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express appreciation or
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gratitude Flat effect The relationship
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feels stale No highs no lows just
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may If you recognize more than two signs
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from one list you know which extreme
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you're leaning
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into Six Three strategies to calibrate
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connection Time for practical steps to
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bring your relationship back into
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[Music]
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balance One ritualize
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warmth Daily micro hugs A 10-second
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handhold or forehead
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kiss Gratitude check-ins Each day share
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one thing you appreciated about the
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other
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These small oxytocin boosters anchor you
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in
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safety Two schedule
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novelty weekly adventure Try something
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new together Cook a recipe explore a
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neighborhood or learn a
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[Music]
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dance Mini surprises a random note a
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spontaneous playlist a flirty text at
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noon This injects dopamine without
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requiring drama
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Three healthy conflict
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protocol Timeout rule When tempers rise
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pause for 10 minutes No phones no
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checking texts and practice
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breathing Repair ritual After cooling
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down use a repair question What do you
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need from me to feel safe right
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now this lowers cortisol and reinforces
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trust
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pattern interrupt Whenever you feel the
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scale tipping ask warmth novelty or
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repair what are we
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missing then pick the matching
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strategy Seven real life
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transformation Back to Jenna and
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Marcus After six rocky months they
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paused their pattern
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They instituted 15minute gratitude each
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morning No phones just sharing one small
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appreciation They tried a salsa class
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every Tuesday laughing through mistakes
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and high-fiving every
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step They agreed on a timeout sign
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raising a hand when the others tone felt
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too
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intense At first Jenna missed the drama
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Marcus felt awkward trying new
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things But within weeks their conflicts
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cooled Arguments ended with hugs not
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slams The relationship settled into a
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gentle rhythm that felt both safe and
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alive Jenna's panic over silence faded
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and Marcus discovered that routine joy
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could feel just as thrilling as grand
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gestures
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[Music]
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Eight Your sevenstep blueprint to
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balance Now it's your
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turn Follow this sevenstep blueprint to
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hit your relationship goldilock
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zone Audit your extremes Journal which
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five signs on the too much or not enough
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lists hit
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home Pick your ritual Choose one warmth
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ritual Micro hugs Gratitude and schedule
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it
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daily Plan novelty Block out 1 hour per
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week for a new shared
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activity Set conflict rules Agree on a
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timeout cue and a repair
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question Monitor your chemistry Notice
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your mood swings Are you craving calm or
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craving
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excitement adjust weekly If you felt too
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calm add more novelty If you felt too
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intense ramp up warmth
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Celebrate progress At week's end share
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one success no matter how small With
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each practice you retrain your brain to
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crave balanced connection not
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extremes If this episode helped you see
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why your relationship feels too much or
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not enough do three things right
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now Like this video Your support tells
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YouTube this content matters
13:57
Comment Goldilocks if you're ready to
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find your perfect
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balance Share with someone who needs to
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stop emotional roller coasters and start
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steady
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joy Hit subscribe and ring the
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[Music]
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bell Remember lasting love isn't about
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extremes it's about just
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right Let's keep learning and loving
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together
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