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Why You’re Attracted to People Who Hurt You (Psychology Explains)
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May 12, 2025
Have you ever asked yourself, “Why do I always fall for the wrong person?” Why you're drawn to people who pull away, leave you guessing, or make love feel like a constant chase? This episode of The Psychology of Love: What They Never Taught You breaks down the real reason behind this painful cycle — and it's not your fault. It's wiring. It's your brain, your past, your attachment style. But the good news? You can change it. 💔 In this video, you’ll discover: – How your early relationships shaped your definition of love – Why anxious and avoidant attachment styles fuel drama – The dopamine-cortisol trap that keeps you hooked on heartbreak – The hidden beliefs that make you accept less than you deserve – A powerful mindset shift to break the pattern for good If you’ve ever chased love that hurt, this isn’t just a video—it’s a mirror. And maybe… your turning point. ✨ Type “I choose consistency” in the comments if you’re done with chaos and ready for love that feels safe. 🔔 Subscribe to join us weekly as we uncover the deep psychology of love, healing, and connection. Because love was never meant to feel this confusing.
View Video Transcript
0:00
have you ever felt that impossible pull
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towards someone who treats you poorly
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only to find yourself coming back for
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more again and
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[Music]
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again it starts with excitement a spark
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you've never felt
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before every laugh every text feels
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electric then the attention
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fades you're left wondering what you did
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wrong
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and still you chase them hoping this
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time it will be
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different by the end of this video
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you'll understand exactly why your heart
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keeps choosing heartbreak and you'll
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learn the single shift that can finally
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for you to choose love that feels safe
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steady and true
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let's
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explore the story behind the pattern how
1:00
early life shapes your love
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map attachments grip why anxious and
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avoidant styles lock you into
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chaos brain chemistry's trap how
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dopamine and cortisol hijack your
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heart the self-worth barrier why you
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settle for pain when you deserve so much
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more the breakthrough shift a simple
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practice to retrain your heart for
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consistency over
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drama if you've ever wondered why love
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sometimes feels like a roller coaster
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you can't get off you're in the right
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place let's dive in
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one the story behind the pattern
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of Imagine a child named
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Lily from the outside her home looked
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normal but behind closed doors love was
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unpredictable one evening her parents
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laughed over
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dinner they teased each other smiles
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bright
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lily felt warm safe
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loved the next night they argued over
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money voices rose doors
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slammed lily's heart
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raced she didn't know where she
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belonged when her mother apologized in
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tears the next morning hugging her
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father tightly Lily learned intense
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emotion equals
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care the highs and lows became the
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rhythm of her
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childhood fast forward to Lily at
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25 she meets Jack in an art class tall
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witty
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attentive he compliments her sketch asks
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about her dreams
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lily's pulse
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quickens it feels like
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[Music]
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home then Jack
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disappears late
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[Music]
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replies cancelled
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dates lily panics
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did she say something
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wrong when Jack finally texts again
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"I've missed you." Lily's relief floods
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her the drama rush feels familiar even
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comforting unconsciously she's reliving
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the pattern she learned as a child love
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shows up and fits and starts and she
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chases it every
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time if Lily's story resonates pause and
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ask
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yourself where did you first learn what
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love looks
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like chances are your earliest
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experiences set the stage for how you
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pursue connection
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today two attachments
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script the 1980s psychologist Mary
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Ainsworth identified four attachment
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styles: secure anxious avoidant and
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disorganized based on how children
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respond to
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caregivers these attachment patterns
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often follow us into adulthood steering
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who we're drawn to and why we
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stay secure attachment you learn that
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love is reliable
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caregivers responded to needs quickly
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and
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kindly you trust communicate openly and
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feel safe in
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relationships anxious attachment care
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was
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inconsistent sometimes affectionate
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sometimes
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distant you internalize the message love
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is
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unpredictable you crave closeness but
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fear abandonment and you'll often chase
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attention to feel
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worthy avoidant attachment care was
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emotionally distant or
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dismissive you learn to suppress your
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needs and push others away to protect
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yourself you may feel trapped by
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intimacy and pull partners close only to
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push them away
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disorganized attachment care was
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frightening or chaotic abuse neglect or
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trauma you learned that love can hurt
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and you crave closeness even as you fear
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it if you find yourself irresistibly
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drawn to someone who hurts you you
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likely resonate with anxious or
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disorganized attachment
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your early heart learned that pain and
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affection are woven together so it
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chases the drama just to feel any spark
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of
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love but here's the hopeful truth
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attachment styles can
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shift through awareness new experiences
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and self-compassion you can rewire your
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attachment map toward
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security three brain chemistry's trap
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attachment
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lays the foundation but your brain
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chemistry cementss the
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pattern when we experience something
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novel or thrilling like a new crush our
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brain releases dopamine the feel-good
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neurotransmitter it's the same chemical
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that lights up when we win a prize eat a
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sweet treat or receive a social media
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notification
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dopamine says "This is rewarding let's
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do it
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again." But when the same person
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withdraws late replies cancelled plans
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our brain floods with cortisol the
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stress
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hormone cortisol triggers anxiety and
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craving where is that person i need them
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back this dopamine cortisol roller
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coaster can become addictive
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the dopamine high feels intoxicating and
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the relief of reconnecting feels like a
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small victory over
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stress so your brain learns to chase
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both the thrill of attention and the
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comfort of reconnection even if it means
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reliving
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hurt here's a key insight your brain
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cannot distinguish between the rush of
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new love and the rush of drama
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both spike your heart rate both surge
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hormones both feel intense but that
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intensity is not the same as healthy
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intimacy when you understand this
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chemical cycle you realize you're not
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weak you're
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wired and wired brains can be
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rewired four the self-worth
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barrier beyond attachment and chemistry
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lies a deeper force your beliefs about
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your own
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worth if deep down you believe you must
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earn love through achievements approval
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or simply enduring hardship you may
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settle for
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crumbs you tell yourself "At least
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someone noticed me."
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But crumbs don't nourish your
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soul crumbs whisper "You're not
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enough." These beliefs often trace back
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to childhood
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messages "you're too
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[Music]
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sensitive stop being
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[Music]
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needy you'll never be good enough
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when you carry those beliefs into adult
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relationships you accept painful
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treatment because any attention seems
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better than
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none but here's where transformation
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begins
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awareness exercise pause the
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video grab a pen and a notebook
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write down messages you received about
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yourself and love when you were
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young see them on
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paper acknowledge how they shaped your
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expectations of
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relationships now challenge each
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message is that really
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true
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would someone who truly values you treat
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you this
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way what would healthy love look like
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instead by naming these beliefs you take
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back power from
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them you shift from I must endure pain
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to deserve love to I deserve love that
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builds me
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up five the breakthrough shift
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up understanding the pattern is
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life-changing but knowledge without
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action leaves you
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stuck here is the single most powerful
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shift you can
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make choose consistency over
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intensity drama feels exciting but
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consistency feels safe
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a partner who shows up for you day after
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day through small acts of care is far
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more nourishing than one who flares up
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with passion and then
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disappears three steps to choose
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consistency define your
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non-negotiables list the basic
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consistent behaviors you need to feel
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secure
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regular check-ins how was your day
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text honesty about plans and
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feelings respect for boundaries and
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time if someone repeatedly fails these
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basics they fail at the baseline of
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[Music]
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care notice and celebrate small acts
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when someone offers a small kindness a
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thoughtful message a listening ear a
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simple plan acknowledge
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it say thank you savor that
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moment over time your brain will learn
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that these small steady acts are the
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real markers of
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love practice radical self-
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validation before seeking approval from
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someone else affirm
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yourself i am worthy of respect and
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kindness repeat this
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daily each time you stand up for your
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worth by speaking your truth setting a
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boundary or choosing to walk away you
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strengthen new neural pathways that
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value your well-being over drama
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challenge this week the next time you
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feel that familiar pull towards someone
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who has hurt you
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pause ask yourself does this person meet
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my non-negotiables today is this drama
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worth my
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peace then choose from your new list
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either lean into consistency or let go
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no
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chasing six real stories have
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changed let's revisit
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Lily after learning about her anxious
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attachment she sat down and wrote her
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[Music]
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non-negotiables daily honest
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check-ins silent treatments
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open communication about
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needs next time Jack canceled plans
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without explanation Lily
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paused she reached out calmly i was
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looking forward to seeing you can we
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talk about what
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happened when Jack responded with vague
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excuses Lily chose herself she ended the
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conversation and stepped
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back for the first time she felt anxiety
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yes but also a flicker of
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empowerment she didn't chase his
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excuses instead she spent that evening
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with a friend who valued her time and
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presence within weeks Jack resurfaced
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apologetic but Lily felt
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different she asked for clarity then
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waited she didn't scramble for his
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attention
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[Music]
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jack responded with genuine apology and
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a plan to meet
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consistently it wasn't as thrilling as
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their first fiery passion but it felt
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honest it felt
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safe over time Lily realized real love
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doesn't burn you out it builds you up
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she learned intensity can be beautiful
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but it cannot replace respect kindness
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and
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presence seven building your new love
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blueprint you've heard the science
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you've seen the stories now let's tie it
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together with action
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steps reflect journal early messages
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about
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love recognize notice when chemistry
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hijacks you toward
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pain reframe remind yourself that
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consistency not drama equals care
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respond ask for what you
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need if it's not met prioritize
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yourself rewire celebrate small acts of
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love daily to train your brain on what
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true care feels like
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by practicing these steps you begin to
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shape a new love blueprint one where
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your heart is free to choose partners
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who value you respect you and cherish
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you
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consistently eight closing and next
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steps if today's episode resonated hit
16:26
the like button right now it shows that
16:28
this message matters
16:32
share it with someone who needs to
16:33
understand they're not broken they're
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just wired and they can
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rewire leave a comment with I Choose
16:42
Consistency if you're ready to break the
16:43
heartbreak
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cycle don't forget to subscribe and
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click the bell so you never miss an
16:53
episode remember your heart is your
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greatest
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teacher when you learn its secrets you
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step into loving with clarity confidence
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and compassion
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