0:00
and so when I think about how I
0:01
overfunction fast forward to my
0:03
granddaughter and she gives me a call
0:05
actually this week and she says,"I want
0:06
to go to this camp you know would you
0:08
pay for me to go to this camp for a
0:09
day?" And thankfully because of that
0:11
work I had enough front of mind
0:13
experience to go I'm going to make this
0:14
choice but it's not motivated right now
0:17
for rescuing her from discomfort but I
0:19
did notice myself connecting that
0:21
behavior in myself where I don't want
0:23
love kids that I love or people that I
0:25
love to feel like I felt when I was a
0:27
kid and I didn't have the supports that
0:29
I needed to kind of reduce my own trauma
0:31
experiences and so I just noticed that
0:34
pairing and historically I would have
0:35
given her the day at camp and covered
0:37
that cost just because I don't want her
0:39
to be powerless or be left out or not
0:41
have the experiences that she would want
0:42
to have sometimes and this was motivated
0:45
fortunately because of my own work i
0:47
just wanted to give her the the day and
0:49
to have a go for her to be able to have
0:51
a fun time so but that's an example of a
0:53
rescuer we we jump in and we help and we
0:56
fix and maybe it's not our place or
0:58
maybe it's even to the detriment of the
1:00
people because they don't have an
1:01
opportunity to figure out solutions for
1:04
themselves so the next role that we're
1:06
going to discuss is the victim role the
1:08
victim role is the person who constantly
1:10
feels helpless they are overwhelmed they
1:12
seek sympathy and empathy and support
1:14
they might ask for advice from everybody
1:17
and they fall into this position where
1:19
nothing is fair for them they might
1:21
avoid taking responsibility for their
1:23
actions so why are they in this mess
1:25
that they are talking to you about they
1:28
are it happened to them as opposed to
1:30
anything that they did to end up in the
1:31
position that they're in for an example
1:33
let's think of we'll call him John who
1:36
frequently complains about his life
1:38
circumstances but he doesn't take any
1:40
steps to improve his situation so let's
1:42
say he says he never has any money but
1:44
then he doesn't look for a different job
1:46
or he doesn't take a second job on so
1:49
that he can put himself in a different
1:50
position it's like life is happening to
1:53
him and he doesn't have any position to
1:56
change that and so the victim can also
1:58
be called the martyr or oftentimes they
2:00
refer to themselves as powerless so
2:02
think for a moment you know these people
2:04
you know these people that find
2:05
themselves in that victim position all
2:08
the time and and just notice what comes
2:10
up in you when they're in that role so
2:12
ways that we can come out of these roles
2:14
first we're going to reflect you got to
2:17
slow down you got to pull yourself out
2:18
of the conflict and you need to think
2:20
about how do I interact what do I do
2:22
what's my default move what's my
2:24
propensity and we want to identify the
2:26
role that we tend to play one way we can
2:29
do that is by journaling after a
2:31
conflict you might kind of download what
2:33
role you took and so you might reflect
2:35
on that so using my grand or my uh
2:38
granddaughter as the example I I talked
2:40
about I didn't journal but I did stop
2:42
and think about how did I help what was
2:45
motivating that you know what did I
2:47
think about it and is that something
2:49
that I did for my benefit or for hers or
2:51
was I trying to keep someone out of
2:53
discomfort was I operating from a place
2:55
of my own history and and luckily for me
2:58
the answer was no this is just something
3:00
I want to do because I I have the
3:02
opportunity to to be generous with this
3:04
experience but it was interesting so I
3:06
did slow down to reflect because I know
3:08
that my habits tend to be that rescuer
3:11
and I really am trying to break out of
3:12
that role and not be so overfunctioning
3:14
with people the next thing that we have
3:16
to do after we've kind of identified the
3:18
role that we take is to learn to set
3:20
boundaries so we have to recognize
3:22
what's okay for me what's not okay for
3:24
me so that we can avoid falling into
3:26
these roles that are our default
