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hi everyone I'm Kelly O'Horo and this is
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Adaptable Behavior Explained hi there
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welcome to Adaptable thank you so much
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for tuning in today i'm Kelly O'Horo
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your host and today I wanted to talk a
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little bit about some strategies for
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effective communication i talked about
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on another episode the types of
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communication and today I want to zero
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in a little bit more on strategies to
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help you improve the way that you
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communicate in your relationships how do
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you get your point across in ways that
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are more effective and ultimately to
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improve connection to improve outcomes
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and oftentimes to improve the way that
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you are able to get what it is that you
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want in communication that you have so
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we're going to break down some
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strategies and I'm going to talk
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specifically about an approach that was
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developed by PM Melody and it gives you
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your best shot at getting your needs met
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and for you to feel heard we're also
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going to discuss the importance of
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taking accountability for the stories
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that we create and the stories that we
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make up and the assumptions that we make
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when people say things that they say or
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how they land on you creates a fairy
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tale oftentimes and we have to take
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accountability for that we're going to
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talk about empathic failure and how to
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repair after conflict plus we'll
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introduce another essential
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communication strategy so we're going to
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go ahead and get started so in my other
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show I talked about assertive passive
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passive aggressive and aggressive
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communication so I encourage you to
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watch that show first to learn a little
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bit more about the specificity related
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to those types of communication styles
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but we're always going to do our best
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and have the best outcome if we can
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adopt most assertive communication and
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so it's a powerful tool that helps us
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express our thoughts our feelings we're
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clear and we're respectful and there's a
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four-step approach that I like to teach
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my clients about assertive communication
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and it involves a specific sentence
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structure that seems clunky it seems
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really hard at first but it becomes easy
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with practice so it has four key
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components and the first thing we want
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to address is like what has happened so
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you're going to describe the event or
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the situation objectively like just the
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data no opinions or emotions then you're
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going to chime in with the feeling so
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it's what do I feel emotionally about
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what happened you're going to share your
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emotional response to the event this is
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I'm sad I'm hurt I'm angry I'm
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disappointed the next part that happens
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that's left out of most structure that
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counselors will give you is this key
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factor and this is the story that we
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make up about it or the assumption that
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we make we have to acknowledge the
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narrative or the assumption that we've
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created in our mind you know you were
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late and didn't get there on time for my
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graduation and the story I make up is
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that you don't care about me or that I'm
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not important to you so we create a
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story up in our mind about what's going
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on we also have to discuss what we want
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very clearly so we have to state our
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needs our desires and talk about what it
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is that we want as effective outcomes so
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let me give you an example and I'll
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illustrate each part of this sentence
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structure we talk about first what has
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happened so yesterday during our team
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meeting you interrupted me several times
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while I was presenting my idea so this
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is the statement of facts there's no
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opinion these are just what happened and
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then we're going to chime in with the
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feelings so what I feel emotionally
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about what happened is I felt frustrated
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and disrespected when this happened and
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then the next factor we want to talk
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about is the story that we make up about
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it and so the story I make up in my head
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is that you don't value my contributions
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or my opinions and then we want to chime
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in with what it is that we want so what
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I want for is for you to allow me to
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finish speaking before you share your
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thoughts so that we can have a more
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respectful and productive discussion and
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so by using this structure we can
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communicate our feelings and our needs
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effectively while taking accountability
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for the stories that we make up in our
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heads which we all do let's face it so
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the next thing that I want to teach you
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after that sentence structure is taking
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accountability for our stories so it's
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so important to recognize that we all do
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this we all create stories in our minds
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that totally impact our communication
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our relationships and when we don't take
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accountability for the fact that these
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stories happen and we hold them as
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truths then it doesn't acknowledge that
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they're just our interpretations and
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that they probably don't reflect reality
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so this accountability step allows us to
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approach conversations with an open mind
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and a willingness to listen the next
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thing that we have to discuss is how we
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clarify and we refute when someone gets
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it wrong and so you want to have the
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listener give us the feedback but then
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we want to say did I get that right or
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did I get that wrong and when we give
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the listener an opportunity to clarify
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or refute what happened it's essential
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in assertive communication this is the
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step that helps us ensure that both
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people have a clear understanding of the
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situation and it can address any
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misunderstandings it fosters a sense of
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mutual respect so when we get it wrong
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we have an easier time collaborating
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when we're able to to kick back when
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something isn't quite right and it
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landed in the wrong way and we take that
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feedback the next piece that we've got
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to talk about is empathic failure so
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this concept is a fancy way of saying
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somebody hurt our feelings and we got it
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wrong in the delivery and so the key
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about empathic failure is just taking
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accountability when that happens and
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then repairing so this empathic failure
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occurs when we fail to understand or
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acknowledge the emotions and the
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experiences of others so when this
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happens it's important to circle back
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and repair the relationship repairing
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after conflict is one of the most
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healing and connecting experiences that
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happens and it's part of what creates
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and cultivates connection and intimacy
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it involves acknowledging the hurt we
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want to take responsibility and then we
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want to make amends we want to say "I'm
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really sorry i'm going to work on doing
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this better the next time." And this
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process really strengthens the bond
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between people and it promotes emotional
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healing so the fifth aspect with
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assertive communication that we want to
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discuss is the communication strategy
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with relation to assertive communication
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so another important communication
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strategy that we're going to discuss is
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related to active listening active
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listening it involves fully engaging
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with the speaker we don't have our phone
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in our hands we're not listening to the
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TV show we're not doing something else
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but we're engaging with the speaker
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fully and it's where we're showing
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empathy and we provide feedback it helps
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build trust it helps us ensure
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understanding and ultimately better
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connection and so if you can think about
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utilizing these five strategies for
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effective communication more regularly
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it's just like any muscle you've got to
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practice it to get the repetitions in to
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strengthen this experience and so we
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want to improve our assertive
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communication and the importance of
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taking accountability of our stories our
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assumptions that we make we want to make
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sure that we clarify and we refute when
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something isn't quite right and then
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when that happens we want to you know
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recognize that there's an empathic
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failure we've hurt somebody's feelings
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or take that feedback from our listener
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and work on repair and then the last
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piece that's common in all communication
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strategies is really focusing on active
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listening and I think for the most part
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we could do a much better job generally
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about active listening we're all very
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distracted and so I think it's an
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important skill that we've got as a
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society got to zoom in on and work on
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that but ultimately these five
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strategies can really improve your
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relationships foster healthier
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communication and ultimately cultivate
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greater connection i hope that you found
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this all helpful and that you can put to
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practice some of these skills that I
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shared with you today and improve your
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relationships and clarity and
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understanding between the people that
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you care about and yourself so thank you
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so much for joining me i hope that you
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gained what you wanted to out of this
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show and don't forget to share or
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subscribe if you haven't yet done so and
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give us some feedback about how these
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strategies for communication improvement
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are going in practice in your lives and
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until we meet again don't forget to lead
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with love it'll never steer you wrong
